


Their Names Were Dear to Me

by concertconfetti



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Amnesia, Body Horror, Character Study, Gen, Memories, Reunions, god this is hard to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concertconfetti/pseuds/concertconfetti
Summary: "Anders?"Their body jerks towards the name, the vibrations of sound in the air. Two figures stood just outside the cave - how did they not notice? - a dog and something else. Someone else. The dog snarled and they snatched their staff from the other end of the poo. The person held up their hands and made their slow, purposeful way towards them despite the stave pointed in their - her - direction. Perhaps she saw their arm shaking. Names rang in their head, names half-forgotten and unassigned, attached to nothing and everything. Anders...
Relationships: Anders & Female Cousland (Dragon Age), Anders & Hawke
Kudos: 5





	Their Names Were Dear to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to this horrid little character study I had too much fun writing. See tags for content warnings.
> 
> I do want to mention that what happens to Anders and Justice in this story is vaguely based on the notion of fusion in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I want to make it clear that Anders does not meet the diagnosis criteria for DID, nor should this fic be taken as matching the concept of fusion/integration exactly. If you are interested in DID and would like more information, I've linked some YouTube channels of with DID who are better resources than I. 
> 
> Additionally, because of the nature of spirits and humans and abominations- Anders loses memory and themselves for a while. Again - Anders does not have DID, nor was I attempting to represent him as having DID. Okay? Okay.

Someone was approaching their cave, had been for days now. Moving in slow, practiced, predictable paths back and forth, scoping out the terrain, mapping every plant and stone (as they once mapped it) memorizing every magic-laden scar before returning to a camp farther up the mountain. They watched the intruder in the Fade, though they were never able to discern the face of their hunter. Only their tools, which seemed achingly familiar. 

They rested their heavy form against the wall of their home, their twisted spine hunched and wracked with pain. In the glassy surface of the cave spring they catch sight of their face - grey erupting with spikes and webs of flesh, cracked and marred with streaks of bright blue. An abundance of eyes blinked and turned away from the reflection. Was it shame? They couldn't tell any more - distinct, living feelings became indifferent from one another, like the Maker dulled everything as a final punishment. For what, they couldn't remember anymore.

"Anders?"

Their body jerks towards the name, the vibrations of sound in the air. Two figures stood just outside the cave - how did they not notice? - a dog and something else. Someone else. The dog snarled and they snatched their staff from the other end of the pool. The person held up their hands and made their slow, purposeful way towards them despite the stave pointed in their - her - direction. Perhaps she saw their arm shaking. Names rang in their head, names half-forgotten and unassigned, attached to nothing and everything. Anders anders anders…

"ANDERS, DOWN," Hawke called over the roar of what was once Orsino. The mage barely ducked out of the way as a large, writhing arm swung at him. He - Justice - They recovered and sent a surge of healing energy toward Hawke and Fenris, a shield for Varric. This was not going to plan.

They'd known Meredith would break, show her true colors, but a purge? And Orsino's desperation, so like their own. Anders, still Anders but always more than Just Anders, thrust the business end of their stave into the Abomination's oozing form, through the face of a dead apprentice. Never this.

"Anders," Fenris said. Hawke and Varric had run ahead, desperate to stop other tragedies (they were always too late to stop them). Anders had hung back to catch their breath - there was hope in them back then. Perhaps they could still help. 

"I'm worthy of a name now," they said, and it was a question veiled in uncertainty. Were they worthy of a name?

Fenris frowned. "What you did was reprehensible," he said, disgust on his face. It was a shock, then, when they felt his sharp fingers curl gently around his shoulder. "But I have been a beast backed into a corner and the desperation is...all-consuming. Do not lose yourself to this."

Anders looked at him, perhaps for the first time, and saw a man with too much pain to carry alone. But he wasn't alone, and they weren't either. Not yet.

Their staff clatters to the ground and they wrap their long, sharp fingers around their head, a low groan of pain rumbling against the cave walls. The intruder stopped, hushing their dog, their mabari, even as it's growls grew. Their eyes screwed shut.

"Hey, it's okay," she said, though they aren't sure if she means the dog or them. Several eyes blinked back open. They looked at the armor adorning this quiet one, who so carefully evaded their (now ancient) runes and glyphs. A gryphon, surrounded by laurel leaves on their chest. A dash of blue and a brown cloak still stubbornly raised.

"Warden," they croaked, the edges of their voices crumbling as they escaped their ruined lungs. "Leave."

"Are you Anders or Justice?" The figure asked, soft but commanding. They wanted to listen, to follow her but she kept saying names that pulled at things best left forgotten. Justice please Justice…

"Listen to me, Justice," Nille Cousland said, exasperation plain on her face. Even then she was tired, the black circles under her eyes never went away no matter how hard Anders tried to help her. Something about that was off, Justice knew, but he couldn't place the feeling. Feelings were so new. "Things are not so clear cut here, not as they are in the Fade."

"That man wronged his workers, and all you did was -"

"Sentence him to death, either now, or at the hands of darkspawn," Nillie said. Justice scoffed.

"I've been told being a Grey Warden is a high honor. He'll be hailed a hero when he should be punished."

Anders watched the remaining humor wash out of Nillie's face, darkness shadowing her eyes. He'd never seen her angry, truly angry.

"No warden is a hero. None of us get the luxury of having a clear path to freedom, honor, or Justice." The warden stood stick straight, looking over the body Justice was trapped in and catching the spirit off guard. "We do what we can, going with the lesser evil for the greatest good. I don't have time to second guess these decisions - he will go through the Joining, and he will die or he won't." Nillie turned on her heel and stalked out of the castle, leaving a bewildered court in her wake.

"Justice," Anders said as they walked the grounds of Amaranthine. "You really ought to give the Hero of Ferelden a break."

"And let her continue to commit injustice in the name of...what, exactly?"

Anders sighed. "She's trying her best with limited resources."

"I don't see how that matters."

"It matters," Anders said, stern and agitated in a way Justice hadn't seen before, "because she has been asked to save the world. Again. When she would much rather be home in Denerim taking a damn break. Honestly I don't know why she doesn't just leave." Anders ran a hand through his hair, gathering it into his customary ponytail. Justice hummed. 

"Perhaps," the spirit ventured, "because she is more willing to take action than you ever have been," he said. Anders' jaw went a bit slack as he stared at Justice. "I just wish she could see that she can be better."

"...she can be better," they murmured with their memory. They lifted their eyes. The intruder pulled off her hood, and her face was familiar - older, perhaps, her brown hair streaked in places with grey, scars on her face they didn't recognize. Her eyes were soft, empathetic when they shouldn't be.

"The village down the hill," she said softly, arms still raised in a placating gesture, "the mages there told me someone or something was protecting them. With all the recent upheaval I wanted to be sure." She smiled and shrugged. Upheaval? They couldn't remember much, but the people in that town...they needed help when the sky tore open. When the Fade was here and not away like it should be. They'd sent a few demons away, broken the backs of men speared with red lyrium before they could infect the town. They'd promised. 

"You did a good job, it seems." Metal clinked against the rock, and their eyes focused back on the Warden. She placed a sword and dagger against the wall, hung her cloak on their handles. 

"I promised," they murmured, inhaling sharply when the mabari sniffed at its feet. The Warden huffed a soft laugh. She held a small lit torch and squinted in the light. 

"When was that?" 

"Meet me at the safe house, okay?" Marlowe Hawke pulled Fenris aside when they made it out of Kirkwall. Isabella had yelled something about a ship and dragged Merrill away with a plan to smuggle her back into the alienage. Donnick had joined up with them on the paths to the Bone Pit, sometime the next morning. Cullen managed a pardon for Avaline and Carver (and, consequently, the Hawkes' Mabari) - he needed them to help maintain order. Apparently he was leaving Kirkwall as well. Varric split off an hour ago - only Marlowe knew where he was going. It was just the three of them now.

Anders leaned against a tree while Marlowe and Fenris spoke. When they looked up, Fenris was glowering at them. He always did that, but it hurt now for some reason. They waved at him, awkwardly; nothing felt right anymore. They'd treated Fenris so poorly in the past - they weren't sure how Justice could have let Anders' hate twist how he perceived Fenris. He'd changed so much and all they'd done was treat him like an animal. Fenris rolled his eyes at them before pulling Marlowe into an embrace.

"You better come back to me alive," he growled at them. Marlowe smiled.

"We need to keep working on your terms of endearment, Fenris," they said before kissing the elf. Anders turned away - better to give the two privacy.

Neither Anders nor Justice planned for a future past the explosion, the deaths the two justified for the greater good. Now here they were, one being for the first time, and they had no idea what to do. Their eyes traced the footprints they’d left behind in the mud; they needed to take responsibility for this mess, remain ‘Anders’ despite the fact that the name fit like an ill tailored robe. Names felt empty. 

“Anders?” They looked over their shoulder. Marlowe looked exhausted, broken down. They’d given everything they had to Kirkwall, and now what? They were homeless once again. 

“What can I do?” They asked, and Hawke’s shoulders sagged. 

“Well, I guess you have a choice,” they said, gripping Malcolm Hawke’s staff in their calloused hands. “I’m going to make sure the mages we sent through those tunnels made it out here and then give them what they need to get wherever they choose to go. You can come with me, or you can get as far away from Kirkwall as you possibly can.” 

Anders nodded, and readied themself. "A friend of mine in Amarantine told me that there would come a time I couldn't run away anymore."

"Justice?"

"No, her name is Nillie Cousland. The Hero of Ferelden," they sighed. "We both let her down. Maybe now I can fix things."

Marlowe's eyes softened and they turned on their heel. "I didn't think you'd actually stay," they said.

"I...came here with the mages," they said, some strength coming back to their ill used voice. "Helped set up the village. But even then there were...changes. With me. Only a matter of time." Remembering brought back pain, anguish, grief - nothing good. But they felt nothing for so long, it was almost welcome.

The Warden hummed, investigating the small desk and sleeping arrangements in the rear of the cave. She seemed to be looking over some writings - they hadn't written in a long time. Not since he felt the last vestiges of the Calling, the song, fade from his mind and his memories became indistinct and unreachable. 

"Why are you here?" 

The Warden turned. "I came looking for a friend -"

"An..Anders."

"Yes," she nodded. "Something's coming, and I was hoping for his expertise." She moved back toward them attempting to look them in at least one set of eyes.

The abomination in front of her shifted, uncomfortable. They glanced toward their reflection in the pool before setting their shoulders back. "Anders...hasn't been around for a long time. Nor has Justice. I am...myself - I went by Anders for a time, because that name needed to take responsibility for Kirkwall." 

The Warden's shoulders sank. "So he...they did...Maker's breath I'd hoped…" She sighed, unable to finish her sentence. Her eyes were full of sadness, pity; they jolted when one of her calloused hands gently gripped his shoulder. "I'd uh...hoped to tell him that Alistair took such good care of Pounce."

They blinked, tracing the Warden's face again. Perpetually tired eyes, deep laugh lines, framed by dull brown hair. Hazel looked back at the solid blue. 

_Justice has one thing right,_ Nillie said before they left the keep for what seemed like the last time. _You won't be able to run forever Anders._

"Nillie?" Nillie Cousland's eyes went wide for a moment; she searched for recognition she wouldn't find. Her fingers shook. "You're afraid. Not...not of me. What's going on?"

"I wish I knew, Anders. I wish I knew." 

The two sat for a while in silence on the cold stone floor. Marric curled up at Anders' feet, sighing dramatically. They chuckled, a low, unnatural sound, and gently reached out to pet the poor animal. Marric flinched only slightly before giving in to the pets. Nillie smiled, they could see it out of some of their eyes, and closed her eyes.

"If I travel with you," they said slowly, as if remembering the words just before they came to them, "I might make things...difficult."

"Oh, why, just because you're a little spikey?" Nillie smirked at them. "I'm used to keeping odd company. 'Sides, I don't spend much time in towns anymore. Too recognizable." She shrugged, as if that was all there was to say on the matter. Perhaps there wasn't more to say.

Anders hummed, hefting their large, uncomfortable form off the ground; their long arms scrounged around their living space. Nillie watched as they scraped together a pack, salvaging the bedroll from their sleep space. She grinned.

"Well, Andraste's tits aren't getting any saggier," they said, and, if they could grin, they would have grinned wide as Nillie burst into laughter. 

"We don't even know where we're headed," she said, giggles subsiding. They shrugged. 

"Like old times then."

"Like old times."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all - thank you for reading! As promised, linked below is a DID resource video on Integration.
> 
> [EntropySystem: Integration](https://youtu.be/JyhF-xdYtik)  
> Please go give it a watch. Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


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